Pushkar was awesome

Wow! i have so much to write about! First of all, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO ALIVIA!!!!! I love you monkey biscuit and you were the first thing on my mind on the morning of October 24th! :) I can't believe you are a big 4 year old already! Livy baby, you are so sweet (to me, at least) and i love watching you run through your life without any fear (like when you jump off the stairs without telling me, expecting me to catch you anyways). I hope you had a wonferful birthday, and when i get back we're gonna play some sweet Polly Pockets-you be Dida and i be Breakah ;)
And Happy 20th Bday to Brittany!! woot woot. Al Monet de Leche forever girl :) :) :)

Do you ever wake up in the morning and it takes you a sec to remember where you are? Saturday morning i woke up to Indian voices and a bare Indian foot inches from my face. I saw a worn white ledge and a colorful pillow with camels on it. I heard peacocks, cows, camels, people, music, and dogs. Oh Yea, how could i forget? I'm on a volunteer's friend's rooftop in the desert valley Pushkar, on a farm. The stars were insane sweet! We even saw the milky way! it was pretty cold, and a random dog came and slept with us for awhile, but i think those just added flavor to the adventure :) Pushkar is a beautiful city! Lots of old buildings that are painted mouth-watering colors like sky blue and sherbert orange. The people were mostly very friendly, although they were used to tourists so a lot of them could be pretty sneaky (i had to pry my hand away from a woman who was going to force me to get henna so she could charge me a ridic amount of money). My favorite part of the weekend was going to the camel area on the outskirts of the town. There were HUNDREDS of camels-probably thousands! and groups of old men in turbans and white outfits sat around. Outside the town it becomes even more desert-like. it was all sand and stone with mountains around, and REALLY hot. Especially with all our clothes. And the smell of India is so heavy, it feels like yet another layer of clothing. But you get over it, and i guess it's better than being surrounded by a bunch of dirty snowdrifts! :) So we walked around looking at camels and i asked a guy if i could take his picture. Then all these other camel guys wanted their picture taken as well. It ended up that there were a big group of them all together smiling for our cameras, and then us girls had to take turns sitting with them because they wanted to have a pic with us. :) very fun. I just plopped right down on their dusty blanket and smiled while an ancient National Geographic style man slung his arm over my shoulder. that's one for the books i'd say?
I think i may end up having a bit of a european accent when i get back-most the volunteers are european :) today we were in a restaurant and a couple from arkansas started talking to us and when i said i was from MI, they said "we thought you were from Great Britain!" I'll prolly come back demading Nutella on my toast and ordering "chips" at McDonalds on take-away.
So, all jokes aside, i love India. I really do. But i am kind of struggling with staying focused on my purpose here. I came here for a completely selfless reason-God wanted me to come so i put my other plans aside and came-but i feel like it's turning into selfishness. I find myself doing things because i want to do them. I'm starting to act like this is a vacation-I've reached a point where i'm safely in a comfort zone and not being pushed anymore. It's not bad for me to enjoy what i'm doing, but not like this somehow. Going on trips and going shopping with volunteers...my main focus isn't on the people of India and what i can give them. It's becoming what i can get from India. I want to give all i have for God's plan, not this lolly-gagging business. Maybe it's a lack of courage? i don't know. But please pray for me to get out of this standstill.
I think part of the problem was that i spent all that time being pushed and growing leading up to coming here. It took so much trust and faith in God, and the travels over here even more. And now i'm here, and i have to make that transition into putting the pplan in action, and i don't know how so i'm stalling. What good is my loving them going to do anyways? How could that be all i need to do? People are people, loved or not. Loved people still need to eat. Loved people still need to defend themselves. But then i hear that voice inside say, "whose love are you talking about? Yours can't provde those things, but Mine can. It does everyday for you." and then i think "well, then You do it! How am i supposed to give Your love when all i have is mine to give? i can't give someone else's love" and then "You are a vessel. I fill you up with My love when you give Me all of yours. Then all you have left to give is Mine." Wow. it makes perfect sense. God is so good, all the time. He has never once fallen short, He has never once withheld anything from the moment He told me to come here. He has kept His end of the bargain completely, even as i fail to always keep mine. I am so frustrated sometimes with being a weak, sinful human being! But i guess it's good that I am, because it drives me closer to Him, who makes me holy and strong. That's all for now other people want to use the computer, but i'll keep you guys updated. Keep me in check to make sure i'm staying on task please :) and thank you all for reading this and sending me all the comments on here and facebook and stuff. It makes my day reading them :) Love you and God bless,
Cassie